I always thought I'd blog-- once the concept came around, that is. I can't help but self-edit and critique as I write, always, even in my journal, which I know is a no-no. But here I am. I'm not sure what I'll write, but I know I need to write. Mike always encouraged me to write, asked me over and over to share some of my stuff with him, and I wish I had. So, Mike, I'm writing. I can't guarantee it'll be worth anything, but at least I know you'd be happy about it.
Right now, I'm seated at my desk in our apartment in Paris (soon to be our former apartment, as we're movin' on up to a better one), and outside the windows it's bright sunlight. It's 9:14PM, the first day of summer 2014, and it's also la Fête de la Musique, so I can hear acoustic crooners and bumpin' rap, each from its own window of the apartment. I still haven't gotten used to the whole sunset at 10PM thing here, and while I love it, it makes the glum days feel really endless, and as though I don't have permission to take myself to bed until it's really and truly dark-- at midnight.
Today was one of those days, not for any good reason. R's looong days at work combined with the sudden absence of my mom here in Paris, plus the lack of in-laws and fun scheduled events (and amazing food), PLUS the equally unpleasant prospects of packing up the apartment and flying to the US alone make this an odd moment. I wandered around in the 1st today, amazed at the volume of tourists here-- I hadn't gotten the chance to experience this last year, in the midst of settling in to school and the city. Already I feel some ownership here, at least over the sidewalks, though I suppose I'm just an aggressive walker no matter which city I'm currently in. I ran into a former classmate outside W.H. Smith, and felt a bit nostalgic at the fact that I never really connected with her-- one more in a long line.
After this odd interlude, I came home and maneuvered my way around the confines of the internet to watch "Thèrése", an extremely strange, slow, and disquieting film, which left my anxiety yet higher. Now, I sit here in the slightly darkening room, a bit lost in time and place as I think about what's to come, what has gone. I've been many places in the last few weeks, and I've come to feel much more at home here in France. I find it strange and not entirely comforting to know I'll spend nearly two months in the US, a feeling which leads me to question the certainty I'd had about my desire for us to move back ASAP post-degree. That question won't be answered tonight.
So for now, at least I can say I wrote the first of what I hope will be many musings, a little record of these moments. Everything really does feel like it happens so fast, and I want to get better at being present for it. I hope this will help.
